The Library van is newly stocked.
Regular readers - prepare to be shocked.
A to Z in every section,
Crime, Sci Fi, and all Non-Fiction...
It's all been replaced with Gideon's bibles!
Yes, God has bought out all his rivals.
(Sorry - complaints to God below please.)
By Hazy Dizzylady (The Highland Island Bard)
Not Quite The Full Bard.
Tuesday, 11 October 2011
A Chip Off the Old Spanner
Mini Spanners began her journey,
On the road to taxidermy,
Checking road kill with her tweezers,
Storing bits in Wullie’s freezer.
S for squirrel is filed between
R for ravioli and T-cutting cream.
She’s a partner in the garage now.
She cooked his books to stuff a cow.
Mini and Wullie are waiting on parts for,
A kangaroo leg and an Astra starter.
So, Mini keeps herself in hoots,
Stuffing Wullie’s boiler suits.
By Hazy Dizzylady (The Highland Island Bard)
On the road to taxidermy,
Checking road kill with her tweezers,
Storing bits in Wullie’s freezer.
S for squirrel is filed between
R for ravioli and T-cutting cream.
She’s a partner in the garage now.
She cooked his books to stuff a cow.
Mini and Wullie are waiting on parts for,
A kangaroo leg and an Astra starter.
So, Mini keeps herself in hoots,
Stuffing Wullie’s boiler suits.
By Hazy Dizzylady (The Highland Island Bard)
Saturday, 8 October 2011
Last Night of the Prompoms
(And, now for a live performance, recorded at The Last Night of The Prompoms, featuring The Glenpuddle and Munro's First Crofters' Brass Ensemble, est 1862, shortly before they were forcefully disbanded.)
Oompah, Oompah.
Boom, Ding, Bang.
Plink-plonk, Plink-plonk,
Clatter, Pluck, Twang.
Trumpety Toot, Tackity Boot,
Tintinnabulation,
Nee Naw! Nee Naw!
Off to the Police Station.
By Hazy Dizzylady. (The Highland Island Bard.)
Oompah, Oompah.
Boom, Ding, Bang.
Plink-plonk, Plink-plonk,
Clatter, Pluck, Twang.
Trumpety Toot, Tackity Boot,
Tintinnabulation,
Nee Naw! Nee Naw!
Off to the Police Station.
By Hazy Dizzylady. (The Highland Island Bard.)
Open Wide
His appetite’s abnormal.
He craves unusual things,
Substances not fit to eat,
Like chalk and balls of string!
I ‘googled’ his condition,
I think it’s called a ‘pica’,
To be honest, I think Uisdean,
Is just thicker than a brick-a.
Uisdean’s pica chews on wood.
His pica gnaws on lead,
I wish he’d try some Weetabix,
Or freshly buttered bread.
Washers, bolts, nuts, and screws…
He even ate the telly!
Now ‘Two Pints of Lager and a Packet of Crisps’,
Repeats inside his belly.
I took him to the dentist.
His teeth were worn right down.
The dentist said that every tooth,
Would need a metal crown.
He said to Uisdean, “Open please.
Wider if you can.”
We never saw the dentist again.
Daft Uisdean ate the man!
By Hazy Dizzylady (The Highland Island Bard.)
He craves unusual things,
Substances not fit to eat,
Like chalk and balls of string!
I ‘googled’ his condition,
I think it’s called a ‘pica’,
To be honest, I think Uisdean,
Is just thicker than a brick-a.
Uisdean’s pica chews on wood.
His pica gnaws on lead,
I wish he’d try some Weetabix,
Or freshly buttered bread.
Washers, bolts, nuts, and screws…
He even ate the telly!
Now ‘Two Pints of Lager and a Packet of Crisps’,
Repeats inside his belly.
I took him to the dentist.
His teeth were worn right down.
The dentist said that every tooth,
Would need a metal crown.
He said to Uisdean, “Open please.
Wider if you can.”
We never saw the dentist again.
Daft Uisdean ate the man!
By Hazy Dizzylady (The Highland Island Bard.)
Underpants
Underpants, soft and green,
Knitted to perfection,
With special double gussets,
For your winter warmth protection.
Buy them now before the frosts.
Two for half a crown!
Or, wait until the winter sale,
When underpants come down.
By Hazy Dizzylady (The Highland Island Bard.)
Knitted to perfection,
With special double gussets,
For your winter warmth protection.
Buy them now before the frosts.
Two for half a crown!
Or, wait until the winter sale,
When underpants come down.
By Hazy Dizzylady (The Highland Island Bard.)
Gone for a Wok
Kirsty Janet found some flees,
Crawling on her sock.
She gave the bugs to Coineach Wong,
Who cooked them in his wok.
He added spice and ginger,
Rice and garden peas,
Then advertised this tasty dish,
As 'Special Flesh Flied Flees'.
By Hazy Dizzylady (The Highland Island Bard.)
Crawling on her sock.
She gave the bugs to Coineach Wong,
Who cooked them in his wok.
He added spice and ginger,
Rice and garden peas,
Then advertised this tasty dish,
As 'Special Flesh Flied Flees'.
By Hazy Dizzylady (The Highland Island Bard.)
Friday, 7 October 2011
Fasten your safety belts, please!
Nosecone Air
Has Flintstone flair
(Primitively thinking)
They knock off 25%
(When the pilot’s drinking).
Tickets going to Timbucktoo
(Might land in Beijing)
You can ‘Buy One
Getting One Flight Free’
(But be sure to count both wings!)
By Hazy Dizzylady (The Highland Bard)
Has Flintstone flair
(Primitively thinking)
They knock off 25%
(When the pilot’s drinking).
Tickets going to Timbucktoo
(Might land in Beijing)
You can ‘Buy One
Getting One Flight Free’
(But be sure to count both wings!)
By Hazy Dizzylady (The Highland Bard)
Giving
The Reverend Brimstone’s sermon, focused on ‘The Needy’,
He told his congregation, to give more and not be greedy,
Big Maggie Ann gave fifteen quid, and Jean… she added twenty,
Woodworm Willie tossed a pound and grouched that it was plenty.
Daft Uisdean wrote an I.O.U., and so did Wullie Spanners,
The doctor scribbled out a cheque with his usual bed-side manners.
It read, “Take two pound, twice a day, with sixteen fluid ounces...
And, call me in the morning, or as soon as my cheque bounces.”
By Hazy Dizzylady (The Highland Island Bard)
Thursday, 6 October 2011
Oops!
Calum John the crofter
Cycled down the brae.
He wore his Sunday stay-press pants,
And a hat in matching grey.
His clean white shirt and handkerchief,
Were ironed to perfection,
For Calum John the crofter
Didn’t want rejection.
He parked his bike, and padlocked it,
Outside the town job centre,
He smoothed his hair with spittle,
In the doorway as he entered.
“I’ve come about this job on top,”
He said to Morag Jean.
When she read his application
Morag shrieked and screamed.
“This job is in Africa!”
She said to Calum John.
“There must be some mistake,” he said,
Feeling rather conned.
“I’ve bought myself new underpants,
Especially for the mission.
And I’ve practiced in the mirror,
For this missionary position.”
By Hazy Dizzylady (The Highland Island Bard)
Cycled down the brae.
He wore his Sunday stay-press pants,
And a hat in matching grey.
His clean white shirt and handkerchief,
Were ironed to perfection,
For Calum John the crofter
Didn’t want rejection.
He parked his bike, and padlocked it,
Outside the town job centre,
He smoothed his hair with spittle,
In the doorway as he entered.
“I’ve come about this job on top,”
He said to Morag Jean.
When she read his application
Morag shrieked and screamed.
“This job is in Africa!”
She said to Calum John.
“There must be some mistake,” he said,
Feeling rather conned.
“I’ve bought myself new underpants,
Especially for the mission.
And I’ve practiced in the mirror,
For this missionary position.”
By Hazy Dizzylady (The Highland Island Bard)
Counting Sheep
One, Two
I count my ewes,
Three, Four,
That’s two more…
[yawn]
Five, Six,
Eyelids like bricks,
Seven, Eight,
Got to stay awake.
[yawn]
Nine, Ten,
I’ve lost count again.
One, Two,
I count my ewes.
[yawn]
Three, Four,
I start to snore,
Five, Six,
Poked with a stick.
One, Two,
[yawn]
I count my ewes.
Three, Four,
[yawn]
Three,
Two,
One…
z
By Hazy Dizzylady (The Highland Island Bard)
I count my ewes,
Three, Four,
That’s two more…
[yawn]
Five, Six,
Eyelids like bricks,
Seven, Eight,
Got to stay awake.
[yawn]
Nine, Ten,
I’ve lost count again.
One, Two,
I count my ewes.
[yawn]
Three, Four,
I start to snore,
Five, Six,
Poked with a stick.
One, Two,
[yawn]
I count my ewes.
Three, Four,
[yawn]
Three,
Two,
One…
z
By Hazy Dizzylady (The Highland Island Bard)
Wednesday, 5 October 2011
A Good Stiff One
Woodworm Willie said he’d choke
If he had to drink a diet coke.
“None of that weak shite for me.
I canna be arsed drinking tea.
Make it large, a double or triple
Cooking whisky’s my favourite tipple,
Clapdarnach wine or deer turd rum...
Just make sure it’s a good stiff one.”
Woodworm Willie said he’d spew,
If his wooden leg was made of yew.
“Yew and me are sure to clash.
Make me a leg from Common Ash.
“I don’t need any bows or frills,
Or a leg like Heather Mills.
It doesn’t have to sprint or run,
Just make sure it’s a good stiff one.”
Woodworm Willie said he’d curse,
If he had to live without his hearse.
This undertaker ain’t so stupid;
His engine runs on embalming fluid.
He’s burying less and poaching often,
Stashing his catch inside oak coffins.
So dinnae trouble Willie till yer granny’s well hung
Just make sure she’s a good stiff one.
By Hazy Dizzylady (The Highland Island Bard)
If he had to drink a diet coke.
“None of that weak shite for me.
I canna be arsed drinking tea.
Make it large, a double or triple
Cooking whisky’s my favourite tipple,
Clapdarnach wine or deer turd rum...
Just make sure it’s a good stiff one.”
Woodworm Willie said he’d spew,
If his wooden leg was made of yew.
“Yew and me are sure to clash.
Make me a leg from Common Ash.
“I don’t need any bows or frills,
Or a leg like Heather Mills.
It doesn’t have to sprint or run,
Just make sure it’s a good stiff one.”
Woodworm Willie said he’d curse,
If he had to live without his hearse.
This undertaker ain’t so stupid;
His engine runs on embalming fluid.
He’s burying less and poaching often,
Stashing his catch inside oak coffins.
So dinnae trouble Willie till yer granny’s well hung
Just make sure she’s a good stiff one.
By Hazy Dizzylady (The Highland Island Bard)
Be Nice!
When Murdina’s in her butcher’s shop
Be nice to her, or chop, chop, chop!
Always remember your ps and qs,
When asking for a pound of stew.
Never gurn and never gripe.
Never criticise her tripe.
For goodness sake, don’t ever say,
“I think the bacon’s off today.”
She’ll mince your ears, she’ll boil your toes,
She’ll stuff some stuffing where stuffing goes.
Don’t count your change, just smile “Goodbye,”
Or, you might be her next meat pie!
By Hazy Dizzylady - The Highland Island Bard
Be nice to her, or chop, chop, chop!
Always remember your ps and qs,
When asking for a pound of stew.
Never gurn and never gripe.
Never criticise her tripe.
For goodness sake, don’t ever say,
“I think the bacon’s off today.”
She’ll mince your ears, she’ll boil your toes,
She’ll stuff some stuffing where stuffing goes.
Don’t count your change, just smile “Goodbye,”
Or, you might be her next meat pie!
By Hazy Dizzylady - The Highland Island Bard
Blinkers
Daft Uisdean was a freethinker,
Made his horse a set of blinkers,
Fashioned out of green Y-Fronts,
Ears in the leg holes, nose in the bump.
We found Uisdean in the sharn today,
Up to his neck in shit and hay.
The horse that threw him into the dung,
Had only three legs and was highly strung,
Frightened by a thunder pump...
And, the smell of Uisdean's underpants.
By Hazy Dizzylady (The Highland Island Bard)
Made his horse a set of blinkers,
Fashioned out of green Y-Fronts,
Ears in the leg holes, nose in the bump.
We found Uisdean in the sharn today,
Up to his neck in shit and hay.
The horse that threw him into the dung,
Had only three legs and was highly strung,
Frightened by a thunder pump...
And, the smell of Uisdean's underpants.
By Hazy Dizzylady (The Highland Island Bard)
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