Open Wide

His appetite’s abnormal.
He craves unusual things,
Substances not fit to eat,
Like chalk and balls of string!
I ‘googled’ his condition,
I think it’s called a ‘pica’,
To be honest, I think Uisdean,
Is just thicker than a brick-a.

Uisdean’s pica chews on wood.
His pica gnaws on lead,
I wish he’d try some Weetabix,
Or freshly buttered bread.
Washers, bolts, nuts, and screws…
He even ate the telly!
Now ‘Two Pints of Lager and a Packet of Crisps’,
Repeats inside his belly.

I took him to the dentist.
His teeth were worn right down.
The dentist said that every tooth,
Would need a metal crown.
He said to Uisdean, “Open please.
Wider if you can.”
We never saw the dentist again.
Daft Uisdean ate the man!

By Hazy Dizzylady (The Highland Island Bard.)