A Good Stiff One

Woodworm Willie said he’d choke
If he had to drink a diet coke.
“None of that weak shite for me.
I canna be arsed drinking tea.
Make it large, a double or triple
Cooking whisky’s my favourite tipple,
Clapdarnach wine or deer turd rum...
Just make sure it’s a good stiff one.”

Woodworm Willie said he’d spew,
If his wooden leg was made of yew.
“Yew and me are sure to clash.
Make me a leg from Common Ash.
“I don’t need any bows or frills,
Or a leg like Heather Mills.
It doesn’t have to sprint or run,
Just make sure it’s a good stiff one.”

Woodworm Willie said he’d curse,
If he had to live without his hearse.
This undertaker ain’t so stupid;
His engine runs on embalming fluid.
He’s burying less and poaching often,
Stashing his catch inside oak coffins.
So dinnae trouble Willie till yer granny’s well hung
Just make sure she’s a good stiff one.

By Hazy Dizzylady (The Highland Island Bard)